I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
