His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
