Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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