I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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