we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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