You don't have asthma, your pregnant
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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