so that wasnt chicken after all
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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