Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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