you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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