No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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