That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
