Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
