I will die if light touches me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
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