I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
