i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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