Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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