Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
