This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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