my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
