Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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