Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
