I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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