I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
