I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
