Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
