Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
