I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
