Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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