I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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