gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
