Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
