I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
