Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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