I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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