The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize