New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
