I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
