we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
