He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
