Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize
