I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
MIDGETS
????
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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