I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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