GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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