My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
