i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize