I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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