Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
