i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
