he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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