I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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