yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
