I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
