hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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