I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
