I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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