i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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