I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
